Is it Ground Hogs Day?

So a cousin of mine asked me today on Facebook if I had the link to my blog because she has family members who are trying vegetarian recipes and she thought they'd like to use my blog to get some ideas.  My first thought, was, no lie, what blog?  Sifting through the miasma of a middle age mind, I recalled that I had, with great honesty and gusto, written a blog about losing weight and life a couple of years back and I even remembered the blogs name with only a little bit of headscratching.  Are you sick enough of it yet?  Well, duh, that's why I wrote the thing in the first place.  Evidently though I got unsick enough of it because when I opened the blog and began reading what I'd written two years ago, it  was almost exactly what I'd be writing today.  Hello face slapping reality check. 

The absurdity of the human condition is that real and permanent change is so incredibly difficult to accomplish.  We start off with great intentions and then some little slip up becomes this giant careening snowball rolling down hill, crashing into us and derailing all of our well conceived and fervently wished for hopes and dreams.

I did good for a long time.  I did.  Slowly, though old habits reappeared.  I stopped writing because that was going to mean confession and while it may be good for the soul, the mea culpa is hard on the ego.   So I ran away.  I'm so glad my cousin brought it up because the truth is, when I was writing the blog I was making better choices.  I did feel more accountable.  I also think I probably stood a better chance of succeeding had I kept it up, so hiatus over.  I'm back.

Updates abound.  Bryn moved to NYC in October.  Caylyn moved home a year and a half ago which was a drama but in the end a right choice for her and she's doing well.  Brian and I are good.  We're both employed.  Have our own business on the side and truly believe we are destined to win the lottery.  Live as a big picture is much better than it was and I have great hope that the future will continue in that vein.

What hasn't changed ONE IOTA is my weight.  My struggle with it.  Nothing.  Nada.  Zip. So it really does feel in many ways like ground hogs day, deja vue, how am I still fucking here retarded.  What's funny though and the timing on this is rather interesting is that we moved 2 weeks ago and moving always triggers within me this sense of wiping the slate clean, starting over, doing over, being different and I've been feeling that way since the movers drove off leaving us with a million boxes to unpack.

Unpacking.  Now there's a word.  How much crap does one really need and I don't just mean this in the physical tangible sense but in the emotional sense as well.  I have been hauling both kinds of baggage around with me for years without every stopping to sort through it to see what still works, what do I want or need to ditch, what is a permanent fixture.  They are big questions and not just about what silly coffee cups to keep or pitch but also what parts of me is it time to deep six?

I'm 53.  There are parts of me that I really value.  There are other sections though that I am just sick to death of hauling around.  I'm sick of my lack of self discipline, which I can manage in fits and starts but then boom my inner two year old arrives on the scene wanting what she wants when she wants it and up and over goes the apple cart of maturity.  I've decided I don't want to BE HER ANYMORE.  Who I'm going to be though is kind of a mystery.  I hope you'll stick around for the trip.

AND I have a recipe for you.  My friend Caroline just went on this fantastic personal quest and is transformed.  Somewhere along the way she also had a fry bread taco and it sounded so delish that I had to try so here goes.  It's chicken but super easy to vegetarian/veganize.  We had it for dinner the other night and the ooohing and aaahhhing from Brian, Carolina and I was pretty ridiculous.  Let me know what you think.

Fry Bread
4 1/2 cups flour
1/2 cup instant skim milk
1 Tb.  Baking powder
Salt
1 1/2 - 2 cups warm water.

Mix it all together until it starts to form a ball.  Let sit covered for an hour to relax the gluten.  Divide the dough into 14 -16 pieces and roll out as flat as you can get it.  Fry until brown on one side in vegetable oil, flip brown it up.  Drain on paper towels.

On top of that.  I butterflied 2 big chicken breasts then cut them into strips and sauted them in olive oil, seasoned with salt, pepper, red pepper, garlic powder, cumin and chili powder. 

Take a fry bread, smear it with heated vegetarian refried beans, cheese, chicken or other topping, salsa, guacamole and sour cream.  The fry bread is chewy.  The whole thing is great.  You can make the fry bread several days in advance.  We've been eating this all week and it hasn't lost its allure.

It maybe groundhogs day but at least the recipe is new!