I'm never sure if goals are actually things that we establish in order to have something to shoot for or something we create to flog ourselves over if we miss the target. New Year's resolutions are a classic example. Fervently attacked January 1st. Sheepishly forgotten January 3rd.
Having said that, I am a great goal maker. I make New Year's resolutions like a professional and the fact that I've been making the exact same ones for 20 plus years with no success is a fiddle dee dee sort of thing. I also believe that if you're going to have a goal, you have to write it down because if you just carry it around in your head there is no proof you actually had the goal in the first place!
So here are a couple of my current goals. Weight, duh. Right now, as I write this, I weigh 133.3 pounds. I know this because the electronic scale at the Harris YMCA told me so. I believe it. My home scale says I weigh 135 but its sneaky and can not be trusted. Since 133.3 is such a nice round number and is the lesser of two evils, its my story and I'm sticking with it.
What do I want to weigh? Honestly, I don't know. There's a point at which you have to become realistic about who you are and what you you're willing to sacrifice in order to obtain an objective. For the past 20 plus years, my New Year's resolutions has been 105 but since I've never even come close to that mark, perhaps its time to wave good by to the fantasy and pick a number that's more realistic and therefore, hopefully, can be achieved. For my height..well sort of, all the charts typically start at 5 feet. oops..I should weigh between 105 and 124. I'm only a little over 9 pounds away from 124 and I can tell you that isn't going to be enough. Also, I want some wiggle room. You know what I mean, don't act like you don't. Those are the gimme pounds for when you go to a wedding, eat out too often, play too hard, ignore your diet and you don't want to step on the scale and cry or have everything you own suddenly feel as if you've washed it in hot water and had it draw up on you. So here's what I'm thinking. My range is roughly 20 pounds. Take half of that, 10 pounds stick it on 105 you get 115. Sounds reasonable and I can always rethink it as I approach that number. SO, and ya'll hold me to it, my goal weight is 115. That's 17 more pounds. Reasonable.
What's my time frame. 23 years! YEAH BABY! What, no applause? Hmm. Okay. So it took me 8 months to lose the first 25 pounds and those were the serious fatty pounds. I see you cocking your head to the side like you don't understand, but you do to. The fatter you are the easier it is to lose the top pounds, its as you start approaching a more normal weight that things slow down. Also, by that point, all the "water weight" is gone to so its more of an effort. But let me think about this. 25 pounds in 8 months is 3.1 pounds and small change a month (My high school math teachers would be astounded) and if you take 17 and divide it by 3.1 is roughly 5.5. Its roughly the middle of June (6.5) 6.5 plus 5.5 is 12 which is December. So, my objective is this - I'm going to lose 17 pounds by December 31, 2010 at 11.59.59 pm.
YEAH! A weight goal in writing!
Fitness. I'm already running 3 miles 3 times a week in under thirty minutes (hey 29:57 is too under 30 minutes) So I know I've got the 5k thing licked. My niece and I ran the Thunder Road 5K together last year and it was so fun. I came in 4th in my age group and truthfully, if I'd started closer to the front I would have won it. Now, Becky and I talked about running the half marathon this year to up the ante but I have to say I'm fearful. The last time I tried to do long mileage I got hurt and quit running altogether which I don't want to have happen this time. I also don't want to live my life wrapped in cotton. So here's what I'm thinking. I'm going to shoot for the half marathon and start training for it now so that I can go slowly. IF, I start feeling like my knee isn't going to be nice and play with the rest of the team, I'm going to slide back and shoot for winning my age group from the middle of the starting pack. Whoo Hoo! Goal Number 2. Carved in Stone!
So, if you haven't figured this out yet, my blog posts are time delayed. I'm actually writing this one on the 21st of June but it won't post until the 13th of July. I do this for several reasons. 1. When I write its usually in fits and starts and its usually more fit than start if I have to meet a dead line. 2. Writing in advance allows me to delete posts if I find for example instead of losing 17 pounds I gain them! No seriously, it just allows for a little more flexibility and 3. It allows for other things to come up without the blog going silent. So here's the last goal and I'll be in the middle of it by the time this posts.
One of the things I really want to try to do is to feed my family (4 humans) for a month on a budget of $400. I don't know if this is even possible but I want to try it. Here are my self imposed rules and regulations.
1. I'm not including the cost of booze, household products etc. This is just going to be food. Period.
2. I'm not including party food. July is a big party month and I always cook something to take so I'm excluding that, though I will keep a running total and will post the recipes I fix during the month.
3. I will not rely on processed foods or cheats, like Hey kids! Mashed potatoes for breakfast, lunch and supper again!
4. I promise not to go to the store on June 30th and buy $1200 worth of food. This will be a legit experiment.
5. I don't know what five is yet but I'm leaving myself a get out of jail free card here.
So the goal is $400 for the month of July to feed a family of four a nutritious and balanced diet. I want to do this for several reasons. 1. Our food bill is ridiculous, largely because I get bored easily, am an impulse shopper and now that I'm writing a weight/food blog the desire to go nuts and cook around the clock is huge and that would be prohibitively expensive. 2. Because of all of the above reasons, we waste a lot of food and that seems sinful to me. I'm hoping that by really cutting down the cost that it will focus my attention on amounts so I don't have as much leftover to toss. 3. One of the things I always hear about being a vegetarian is, "that must be really expensive, because fruits and vegetables are so pricy". I hope to dispel this myth so follow along for a second. Yes, I agree fruit and vegetables, if you don't have a good farmers market (and I do) look pretty steep price wise at times, especially if you're buying things out of season. BUT!, you're already buying fruits and vegetables and you're probably buying enough to make meals out of especially if you're buying grains too, so what you're really talking about if you decide to be a vegetarian, isn't adding things to your grocery list, rather its about switching out your proteins. Considering a bag of dried beans is usually somewhere around a dollar a pound, that certainly sounds cheaper than any meat you can find in the meat case (with maybe the exception of chicken thighs on sale) and is significantly cheaper than fish of any variety. What's more, when you cook a pound of meat, because you're cooking off liquids, the usable weight ends up being 3/4 of a pound. So, that hamburger meat you bought for 2$ a pound on sale ends up costing you $2.50 at the table. A pound of beans on the other hand, becomes 2 pounds of beans at the table because it absorbs water, so a dollar pack of black eyed peas is 50 cents when you finally get to dig into it. 4. I like challenges.
Let me tell you about us so that you'll know who I'm feeding. I'm the only vegetarian. My husband is a good eater. My youngest daughter is picky. My oldest daughter can put it away like a linebacker...and I say this in a loving and kind way because my precious little linebacker only weighs 105 pounds soaking wet. We're pretty boring about breakfast. My husband eats the same thing everyday. 5 Egg white omelet with one piece of American Cheese. I typically eat the same thing everyday. Oatmeal, Soy Grits, Milled flax seed and Cinnamon cooked up with a handful of frozen blueberries. The kids forage like wild animals. Lunch is leftovers, maybe some tuna for them, hummus on a pita for me, or a wrap that we've all fallen in love with - whole wheat tortilla, peanut butter, apple or banana, honey and maybe some raisins or flax seeds. Dinner, I typically only cook big time maybe 4 days a week and we eat leftovers. We usually have a big salad and I love soups so in the cooler months we have soup too. I'm working on some summer soups because they are filling, nutritious and usually cheap (wait till you try the vegan tarragon scented vichyssoise I just made). I'm not changing much of that. Let me restate, I'm not changing any of that. I will keep records of what we're eating and I'll keep recipes of what I'm fixing for dinner and if I recycle it into something (black bean chili becomes black bean chili pizza). At the end of the 30 days I'll post what I spent and the recipes I made complete with pictures if I remember to take them! I also should be down a few pounds and running a few more miles. By the time you guys get this, I'll be well into July so remind me to let you know how its going!
Three goals. One Blog entry. Nothing too overwhelming and who knows maybe this year, for New Years I can take my weight resolution off the list for good! WISH ME LUCK!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?
RECIPE POST! So our great friends, Alex and Ben came down to Charlotte a few weeks back for a quick visit. Alex is living in Chapel Hill for the Summer and Ben is, by the time this posts, in residence in New Zealand, working on his MBA....its a tough life someone needs to feel sorry for him, its just not me!
Here are the recipes. I also used the marinade for the mushrooms on a couple of pounds of sirloin. This fed 6 hungry people and there were loads of left overs. So I'm thinking 8-10 would be easy too if you round the meal out with crudites, pitas and olives. Its a great summer meal because most of it is served cold!
2 cloves of garlic, minced
1/4 cup tahini paste
2 TB lemon juice
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
Salt to taste
In a blender combine all the ingredients and enough of the bean liquid to make a smooth paste to the texture of your liking.
Smoked Eggplant and Walnut Pesto (the middle)
3 -4 small light weight Eggplants (don't get big ones or heavy ones they will have too many seeds in them and the seeds are what make eggplant bitter.)
1/2 cup shelled walnuts
3 cloves garlic
2 Tb lemon Juice
Salt and Pepper to taste
Heat the charcoal grill. Score the eggplants in a few places and grill over high heat until the skins have charred abit and the eggplant has collapsed. (This can be done a couple of days in advance or you can do it before you put the mushrooms on the grill then finish the pesto while the mushrooms are cooking). Slice the eggplants in half and scoop the pulp into a food processor with the other ingredients. Pulse until blended and smooth. (PS. I have a friend who made this and threw in some sundried tomatoes and a little fresh basil. I think those would be awesome additions. And ALWAYS, if you try a recipe and modify it, let me know what you did and how it turned out!)
Tsatsiki (the top)
1 cup Vegan Sour Cream (or if you must, fat free Greek Fage)
1 large cucumber, peeled and seeded, minced and squeezed dry in cheese cloth
2 cloves garlic
2 Tb olive oil
1 Tb red wine vinegar
Salt and Pepper to taste.
In a mortar and pestle, combine salt and garlic and grind into a paste. Combine all the ingredients and refrigerate for at least an hour to let the flavors blend.
Curried Mushrooms (Left of the Carrots. From my friend Eric Kolb.)
2 lbs button mushrooms, wiped clean
2 Lemons juiced
4 TB Olive oil
1 small onion, grated
1 tb, minced parsley
2 tea curry powder
2 tea salt
1 tea chili powder.
Combine all the marinade ingredients and the mushrooms in a zip lock bag and refrigerate up to 1 day. Drain and skewer then cook on the grill over medium heat. For the carnivores, this marinade is also delicious on meat.
Quinoa Fattoush (left of the green pepper)
1 cup of Quinoa, soaked for 30 minutes and drained, twice. Squeeze dry in cheese cloth. This is a must because unrinsed Quinoa (pronounced Keen Wah) is bitter and will ruin the dish.
2 cups water.
Add the quinoa and the water to a medium pot and bring to a low boil. Cover, reduce temperature to simmer and cook 15 -20 minutes
1 Large Green Pepper, diced
1 Large Red Onion, diced
8 oz Grape Tomatoes (one of those plastic containers from the store is perfect)
1/2 bunch fresh flat leaf parsley, minced
1/2 bunch fresh mint, minced, be careful not to get to many stems as they are tough
Mix the salad ingredients with the cooked Quinoa and dress.
Dressing
1/2 c vegetable oil
1/4 cup cider vinegar
Salt and pepper to taste
We like our dressing tangy, if you want it a little more balanced add a tablespoon or two of water.
Whenever I'm in Chapel Hill, Alex and I always have lunch at Mediterranean Deli on Franklin St. http://www.mediterraneandeli.com/ The food is sumptuous, varied and a commited carnivore like Alex and a committed Vegetarian like me can both easily find things on the menu to please our palates. So, when I'm thinking about what to make, naturally the first thing that comes to mind is Medi Food! YEAH!
This was reinforced by my youngest daughter's request for the shish kabob I fixed a few weeks ago. The menu was set. Off I went to the farmers market and the cooking began in earnest.
It was a WONDERFUL meal. Everyone was happy and it was a great night spent with dear dear friends.
Here are the recipes. I also used the marinade for the mushrooms on a couple of pounds of sirloin. This fed 6 hungry people and there were loads of left overs. So I'm thinking 8-10 would be easy too if you round the meal out with crudites, pitas and olives. Its a great summer meal because most of it is served cold!Hummus with an attitude (in the picture the bottom saucy looking thing)
1 15.5 ounce can chickpeas, drained, rinsed, liquid reserved2 cloves of garlic, minced
1/4 cup tahini paste
2 TB lemon juice
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
Salt to taste
In a blender combine all the ingredients and enough of the bean liquid to make a smooth paste to the texture of your liking.
Smoked Eggplant and Walnut Pesto (the middle)
3 -4 small light weight Eggplants (don't get big ones or heavy ones they will have too many seeds in them and the seeds are what make eggplant bitter.)
1/2 cup shelled walnuts
3 cloves garlic
2 Tb lemon Juice
Salt and Pepper to taste
Heat the charcoal grill. Score the eggplants in a few places and grill over high heat until the skins have charred abit and the eggplant has collapsed. (This can be done a couple of days in advance or you can do it before you put the mushrooms on the grill then finish the pesto while the mushrooms are cooking). Slice the eggplants in half and scoop the pulp into a food processor with the other ingredients. Pulse until blended and smooth. (PS. I have a friend who made this and threw in some sundried tomatoes and a little fresh basil. I think those would be awesome additions. And ALWAYS, if you try a recipe and modify it, let me know what you did and how it turned out!)
Tsatsiki (the top)
1 cup Vegan Sour Cream (or if you must, fat free Greek Fage)
1 large cucumber, peeled and seeded, minced and squeezed dry in cheese cloth
2 cloves garlic
2 Tb olive oil
1 Tb red wine vinegar
Salt and Pepper to taste.
In a mortar and pestle, combine salt and garlic and grind into a paste. Combine all the ingredients and refrigerate for at least an hour to let the flavors blend.
Curried Mushrooms (Left of the Carrots. From my friend Eric Kolb.)
2 lbs button mushrooms, wiped clean
2 Lemons juiced
4 TB Olive oil
1 small onion, grated
1 tb, minced parsley
2 tea curry powder
2 tea salt
1 tea chili powder.
Combine all the marinade ingredients and the mushrooms in a zip lock bag and refrigerate up to 1 day. Drain and skewer then cook on the grill over medium heat. For the carnivores, this marinade is also delicious on meat.
Quinoa Fattoush (left of the green pepper)
1 cup of Quinoa, soaked for 30 minutes and drained, twice. Squeeze dry in cheese cloth. This is a must because unrinsed Quinoa (pronounced Keen Wah) is bitter and will ruin the dish.
2 cups water.
Add the quinoa and the water to a medium pot and bring to a low boil. Cover, reduce temperature to simmer and cook 15 -20 minutes
1 Large Green Pepper, diced
1 Large Red Onion, diced
8 oz Grape Tomatoes (one of those plastic containers from the store is perfect)
1/2 bunch fresh flat leaf parsley, minced
1/2 bunch fresh mint, minced, be careful not to get to many stems as they are tough
Mix the salad ingredients with the cooked Quinoa and dress.
Dressing
1/2 c vegetable oil
1/4 cup cider vinegar
Salt and pepper to taste
We like our dressing tangy, if you want it a little more balanced add a tablespoon or two of water.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Vegetarian, Lacto Ova, Vegans, OH MY!
One of the things that I'm continually confronted with when people find out I'm a vegetarian is the question, "but you eat fish, right?" Uh, no, not unless its made out of sea weed. Most people are genuinely curious and just confused. Some people are complete jerks, but that's not a news flash, is it?
Honestly, I can understand the confusion. For one thing, Vegetarianism in the United States is viewed with great suspicion. If you're a Vegetarian, you might be a communist. If you're a Vegetarian, you might practice Wicca. Surely underneath that cute little sweater set and madras plaid skirt, beats the heart of a tree hugging, unshaven wildebeest, right? Hardly.
For another thing, we Vegetarians are a diverse lot in how WE even define what we eat. You have the occasional vegetarian. The Lacto Ova Vegetarian. The Pescitarian. The Chickaterian. The no red meat vegetarian - which aren't even vegetarians at all but eat everything but red meat and use the word vegetarian because it has some sort of "I'm so damn healthy" cache, and the Vegans, that Anthony Bourdain, God love him, refers to as the Hezbollah of the culinary world. That absolutely cracks me up.
So, let me help you out with this. These are my definitions so if you have a problem with them, get your own blog! Its my story, and I'm sticking with it.
Vegetarian. This is a person, like myself that shuns all meat products in their diet. Period.
Vegans. Veganism, to me, is more of a politicized way of approaching the human versus animal connundrum. Vegans don't just take the meat out of their diet, they try to eliminate all animal products from their lives. No leather. No honey. No fur. Duh. Its a tough standard and encompasses many more facets of life than just what's going in the pie hole.
Chickatarians. I made that word up, bet you couldn't tell, to describe people that are vegetarians who will from time to time eat chicken.
Lacto Ova Vegetarians. Will eat eggs and dairy products.
Pescitarians. Will eat fish.
No Red Meat Vegetarians. Get over yourself! You're a meat eater. Nanny Nanny boo boo.
I'm a vegetarian. But I'm also a vegetarian that lives in the real world and I know that sometimes you just have to make accommodations. Case in point. My Mom and I recently went on a fabulous FABULOUS cruise to Alaska. I was quite impressed that in the seated dining room each night they had a full on vegetarian selection for dinner. It was well thought out, tastefully presented and plain old tasteful! The problem was that there weren't any real protein sources for vegetarians....a state of existence that I refer to as Bunny Syndrome. More on that in a minute. So, as we were very active on the trip and since I didn't somehow morph into a bunny and no longer need a full range of amino acids to complete my protein requirements, I fell off the vegetable truck and ate fish and yes, even a piece of steak. It was delicious. I won't lie, but it was also a digestive nightmare, if you get my drift!
The problem with slipping off the vegetable truck every now and then to sample delights from our furred, feathered and scaly co-planeters, is that it makes it that much harder to be disciplined on a daily basis when you CAN be a vegetarian despite having meat and meat products in the house for your omnivorous family. I admit I'm having a hard time getting back on the truck completely. Not from lack of desire, but sometimes that little bite of this or that is just so tempting. This is part of why I'm writing this blog, because I feel like if its in print, in front of me, I have a higher level of accountability to stay true to eating in a manner that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, is right for me.
Bunny Syndrome. Right after someone says, but you still eat fish, and find out they are wrong, the next thing out of their mouths is, oh I love vegetables too. Great! Eat more of them! One of the problems that new vegetarians make is the thinking that vegetarian means vegetables only. It doesn't. You're still a human being. You still have protein needs that differentiate you from a bunny. Now of course you can get your protein needs met on a vegetarian diet by combining grains, beans, and nuts, you just can't do it eating nothing but lettuce and carrots. Bunny Syndrome is a great way to get sick. If you're just starting out on the whole vegetarian path, check out the starter kit on http://www.vegetariantimes.com/ Well worth it.
Another problem that nascent vegetarians run into is Potato Syndrome. I am absolutely convinced that when someone says they tried to be a vegetarian once and gained weight that they were in fact, suffering from Potato Syndrome. Potato Syndrome occurs when you switch off of meat and onto wonderful starchy filling things like potatos, rice, pasta etc. Its a good way to get fat and a good way to get sick.
Being a vegetarian is less limiting than you think and it does force you to pay attention to what you are eating and I personally think thats a good thing! Here are my rules of thumb for doing it sanely and in a way that really is healthy. Think Varied. Think Balanced. Think Colorful. If you're just thinking baked potato for dinner or if fries are starting to be your go to vegetable, you got a problem on your hands!
Honestly, I can understand the confusion. For one thing, Vegetarianism in the United States is viewed with great suspicion. If you're a Vegetarian, you might be a communist. If you're a Vegetarian, you might practice Wicca. Surely underneath that cute little sweater set and madras plaid skirt, beats the heart of a tree hugging, unshaven wildebeest, right? Hardly.
For another thing, we Vegetarians are a diverse lot in how WE even define what we eat. You have the occasional vegetarian. The Lacto Ova Vegetarian. The Pescitarian. The Chickaterian. The no red meat vegetarian - which aren't even vegetarians at all but eat everything but red meat and use the word vegetarian because it has some sort of "I'm so damn healthy" cache, and the Vegans, that Anthony Bourdain, God love him, refers to as the Hezbollah of the culinary world. That absolutely cracks me up.
So, let me help you out with this. These are my definitions so if you have a problem with them, get your own blog! Its my story, and I'm sticking with it.
Vegetarian. This is a person, like myself that shuns all meat products in their diet. Period.
Vegans. Veganism, to me, is more of a politicized way of approaching the human versus animal connundrum. Vegans don't just take the meat out of their diet, they try to eliminate all animal products from their lives. No leather. No honey. No fur. Duh. Its a tough standard and encompasses many more facets of life than just what's going in the pie hole.
Chickatarians. I made that word up, bet you couldn't tell, to describe people that are vegetarians who will from time to time eat chicken.
Lacto Ova Vegetarians. Will eat eggs and dairy products.
Pescitarians. Will eat fish.
No Red Meat Vegetarians. Get over yourself! You're a meat eater. Nanny Nanny boo boo.
I'm a vegetarian. But I'm also a vegetarian that lives in the real world and I know that sometimes you just have to make accommodations. Case in point. My Mom and I recently went on a fabulous FABULOUS cruise to Alaska. I was quite impressed that in the seated dining room each night they had a full on vegetarian selection for dinner. It was well thought out, tastefully presented and plain old tasteful! The problem was that there weren't any real protein sources for vegetarians....a state of existence that I refer to as Bunny Syndrome. More on that in a minute. So, as we were very active on the trip and since I didn't somehow morph into a bunny and no longer need a full range of amino acids to complete my protein requirements, I fell off the vegetable truck and ate fish and yes, even a piece of steak. It was delicious. I won't lie, but it was also a digestive nightmare, if you get my drift!
The problem with slipping off the vegetable truck every now and then to sample delights from our furred, feathered and scaly co-planeters, is that it makes it that much harder to be disciplined on a daily basis when you CAN be a vegetarian despite having meat and meat products in the house for your omnivorous family. I admit I'm having a hard time getting back on the truck completely. Not from lack of desire, but sometimes that little bite of this or that is just so tempting. This is part of why I'm writing this blog, because I feel like if its in print, in front of me, I have a higher level of accountability to stay true to eating in a manner that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, is right for me.
Bunny Syndrome. Right after someone says, but you still eat fish, and find out they are wrong, the next thing out of their mouths is, oh I love vegetables too. Great! Eat more of them! One of the problems that new vegetarians make is the thinking that vegetarian means vegetables only. It doesn't. You're still a human being. You still have protein needs that differentiate you from a bunny. Now of course you can get your protein needs met on a vegetarian diet by combining grains, beans, and nuts, you just can't do it eating nothing but lettuce and carrots. Bunny Syndrome is a great way to get sick. If you're just starting out on the whole vegetarian path, check out the starter kit on http://www.vegetariantimes.com/ Well worth it.
Another problem that nascent vegetarians run into is Potato Syndrome. I am absolutely convinced that when someone says they tried to be a vegetarian once and gained weight that they were in fact, suffering from Potato Syndrome. Potato Syndrome occurs when you switch off of meat and onto wonderful starchy filling things like potatos, rice, pasta etc. Its a good way to get fat and a good way to get sick.
Being a vegetarian is less limiting than you think and it does force you to pay attention to what you are eating and I personally think thats a good thing! Here are my rules of thumb for doing it sanely and in a way that really is healthy. Think Varied. Think Balanced. Think Colorful. If you're just thinking baked potato for dinner or if fries are starting to be your go to vegetable, you got a problem on your hands!
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
The Back Story. Chapter 10
Curiously, when I was in Chapel Hill, the day before I got sick, Lisa and I were in Whole Foods and I picked up the last copy of a book they were selling, The China Study, by Colin and Thomas Campell. It was a book on nutrition and I bought it because the following is written on the back of the book.
“The Science is clear. The results are unmistakable. Change your diet and dramatically reduce your risk of cancer, heart disease, diabetes, and obesity.”
Wow, pretty tall order isn’t it. So I bought the book, had my gallstone attack and went home. It was only 4 or 5 days later, when I got around to unpacking my suitcase that I found the book. Still curious, and hyper aware of my health, I started reading the book and was blown away by what it showed.
Now, several things you need to know about me as a vegetarian and everyone who knows me will say this is the truth. I have never made it anyone else’s problem or deal. If you invite me to dinner, you don’t need to fix anything special. I will always bring something for me to eat; I’m just honored to be invited to your home. I am not a proselytizer. This is a hugely personal decision and while it works for me, I have always been respectful of other people’s aversion to putting the meat down. And lastly, I’m not a political vegetarian. No secret agenda here, at all. I like to fish. I appreciate that people like to hunt. I have no moral issue with eating meat though I increasingly abhor the conditions under which animals are kept. (That’s a whole other issue and maybe at some point I’ll discuss it) So, I am, as my mother describes it, “a good vegetarian”.
This book though, which makes a rock solid case for how the western diet, and its reliance on meat and meat products, is killing us is about to change all that, I think. What’s more, in the month leading up to my surgery, and because I was scared that even touching something rich might cause another B’B’ onslaught, I took the advice of the book and gave up ALL meat products. No more eggs, cheese, butter or mayonnaise. I read labels like crazy and you'd be amazed at how many things that look like vegetables actually have beef stock or worse, lard in them. I was diligent and disciplined.
The results were, even by my standards, unbelievable. I already felt great. I had lost weight, and even though I was kind of in a holding pattern, I new that I was on the right track. I was only eating egg whites and limited amounts of cheese (like a tablespoon of blue cheese crumbles on a salad) on a regular basis, so I really didn’t think it would have a pronounced effect on my weight or how I felt.
I couldn’t have been more wrong. If I was feeling good before, taking those little bits of animal products out of my diet took me from what was maybe a 4 on a scale of 1 – 10 to about a 15. Seriously, I was and am absolutely stunned that I had that much head room left on the feel good scale, but I did. And while it had taken me seven months to lose 15 pounds, I lost 10 more in a month.
Clearly, my body does NOT like meat or meat products and when I make it go away, I feel better, look better, lose weight, and check this out…..completely resolved my diabetes. Let me say that again. COMPLETELY RESOLVED MY DIABETES. For the first time since I was diagnosed, my numbers were well within the range of normal both fasting and after a meal. Huge. Huge. Huge.
This is a commitment I have decided to make. Its harder than being a lacto ova vegetarian both at home and particularly in restaurants. If it had just been about weight loss, I probably would decide, meh what's a little cheese everynow and then, but the fact that I can control my diabetes without being on a life long drug protocol is a BFD....you know what I'm saying don't act like you don't. I'm going to be talking a lot about this book in the future so save yourself the lecture, go buy it and read it now. THE CHINA STUDY. You will be shocked at what you learn and you may still decide to keep eating meat, I'll still love you, but at least you'll understand what you're doing to yourself and your kids, if you have them.
So that gets everyone all caught up on the back story of where I've been to get where I am. In re-reading this blog in its entirity, it doesn't read at all like a happy story yet oddly, I consider myself a pretty happy person both by nature and with my life in general. Its clear though, that my weight and my health loom as large black clouds on my personal horizon and I'm truly hoping that as life goes on, that I can change that into sunny skies and smooth sailing.
It’s a strange thing to say that the best thing that ever happened to me, from a health perspective, was pancreatitis and having my gall bladder removed but it was. I wish now that I had been blogging about this all along but I can’t rewrite that history. All I can do is take this blog forward and share my experiences. I hope someone will read it. I hope it will have an effect on someone’s life in a positive way. I hope I get a book deal and become the Oprah of Vegetarianism but I imagine that’s a ways off. For now, I’m just happy to be writing. To be eating well. To be healthier.
“The Science is clear. The results are unmistakable. Change your diet and dramatically reduce your risk of cancer, heart disease, diabetes, and obesity.”
Wow, pretty tall order isn’t it. So I bought the book, had my gallstone attack and went home. It was only 4 or 5 days later, when I got around to unpacking my suitcase that I found the book. Still curious, and hyper aware of my health, I started reading the book and was blown away by what it showed.
Now, several things you need to know about me as a vegetarian and everyone who knows me will say this is the truth. I have never made it anyone else’s problem or deal. If you invite me to dinner, you don’t need to fix anything special. I will always bring something for me to eat; I’m just honored to be invited to your home. I am not a proselytizer. This is a hugely personal decision and while it works for me, I have always been respectful of other people’s aversion to putting the meat down. And lastly, I’m not a political vegetarian. No secret agenda here, at all. I like to fish. I appreciate that people like to hunt. I have no moral issue with eating meat though I increasingly abhor the conditions under which animals are kept. (That’s a whole other issue and maybe at some point I’ll discuss it) So, I am, as my mother describes it, “a good vegetarian”.
This book though, which makes a rock solid case for how the western diet, and its reliance on meat and meat products, is killing us is about to change all that, I think. What’s more, in the month leading up to my surgery, and because I was scared that even touching something rich might cause another B’B’ onslaught, I took the advice of the book and gave up ALL meat products. No more eggs, cheese, butter or mayonnaise. I read labels like crazy and you'd be amazed at how many things that look like vegetables actually have beef stock or worse, lard in them. I was diligent and disciplined.
The results were, even by my standards, unbelievable. I already felt great. I had lost weight, and even though I was kind of in a holding pattern, I new that I was on the right track. I was only eating egg whites and limited amounts of cheese (like a tablespoon of blue cheese crumbles on a salad) on a regular basis, so I really didn’t think it would have a pronounced effect on my weight or how I felt.
I couldn’t have been more wrong. If I was feeling good before, taking those little bits of animal products out of my diet took me from what was maybe a 4 on a scale of 1 – 10 to about a 15. Seriously, I was and am absolutely stunned that I had that much head room left on the feel good scale, but I did. And while it had taken me seven months to lose 15 pounds, I lost 10 more in a month.
Clearly, my body does NOT like meat or meat products and when I make it go away, I feel better, look better, lose weight, and check this out…..completely resolved my diabetes. Let me say that again. COMPLETELY RESOLVED MY DIABETES. For the first time since I was diagnosed, my numbers were well within the range of normal both fasting and after a meal. Huge. Huge. Huge.
This is a commitment I have decided to make. Its harder than being a lacto ova vegetarian both at home and particularly in restaurants. If it had just been about weight loss, I probably would decide, meh what's a little cheese everynow and then, but the fact that I can control my diabetes without being on a life long drug protocol is a BFD....you know what I'm saying don't act like you don't. I'm going to be talking a lot about this book in the future so save yourself the lecture, go buy it and read it now. THE CHINA STUDY. You will be shocked at what you learn and you may still decide to keep eating meat, I'll still love you, but at least you'll understand what you're doing to yourself and your kids, if you have them.
So that gets everyone all caught up on the back story of where I've been to get where I am. In re-reading this blog in its entirity, it doesn't read at all like a happy story yet oddly, I consider myself a pretty happy person both by nature and with my life in general. Its clear though, that my weight and my health loom as large black clouds on my personal horizon and I'm truly hoping that as life goes on, that I can change that into sunny skies and smooth sailing.
It’s a strange thing to say that the best thing that ever happened to me, from a health perspective, was pancreatitis and having my gall bladder removed but it was. I wish now that I had been blogging about this all along but I can’t rewrite that history. All I can do is take this blog forward and share my experiences. I hope someone will read it. I hope it will have an effect on someone’s life in a positive way. I hope I get a book deal and become the Oprah of Vegetarianism but I imagine that’s a ways off. For now, I’m just happy to be writing. To be eating well. To be healthier.
Monday, July 5, 2010
The Back Story. Chapter 9
The Last Hurrah.
I had gone to Chapel Hill to take a real estate class and to see Lisa. Friday night we had a big rich, albeit vegetarian meal, pesto lasagna, mesclun salad with goat cheese and balsamic vinaigrette, garlic bread, and the oh so decadent, chocolate hazelnut soup for dessert. We washed it all down with a couple of nice bottles of red wine and just had a superbly fun night.
The next day at the lunch break between the two sessions of class, my youngest daughter and her then boyfriend came and had lunch with me. It was fun and all seemed right with the world.
About an hour after lunch, I started having stomach pains. At first I just thought it was really bad gas. As the day progressed the pain grew more intense. Food poisoning? All I knew is that I wasn’t feeling great and it was getting worse. Much worse as it turned out.
By mid afternoon, I knew something was really wrong and I left the class and drove to a nearby Doc in the Box. By the time, I got there, the pain was so intense I could barely walk and I was bouncing off the examination table, my body was shaking so hard. My blood pressure was through the roof but the EKG was normal. X-Ray also showed no abnormality. They gave me some sort of digestive cocktail to ease the pain and it helped. The best guess, at the time, was that it was some sort of spasm of my esophagus. I felt better. Not great but good enough to leave and go to Lisa’s house.
Probably should have gone to the ER instead which is ultimately where I ended up. The real diagnosis was a gall stone attack that triggered acute pancreatitis. How many ways can you say ouch?
So here’s the deal on your gallbladder because I know you’re just dying to know. The gall bladder is the main producer of bile, which your body uses to digest food. It gets used to the amount you normally need and makes and stores it in readiness for when it’s actually needed. Now, when you change your eating habits, cut down on your food etc, which I had done, the gall bladder doesn’t have to send out as much bile and the no longer needed reserves start to calcify. THEN, you go to Chapel Hill, have a huge rich meal and need all that stored up bile, your gallbladder hops to it, unfortunately all that calcified bile is now like B’B’s that your gallbladder is shooting at your pancreas.
The Pancreas, as any medical professional, is an unreasonable bitch. Once you make her mad, she responds to no amount of cajoling to calm back down and she really, really hates having B’B’s fired at her. So, my pancreas went into a full blown snit when one of these little gallstone B'B's had the unmitigated nerve to invade her space on it’s way to my intestines. It was, in modern parlance, a hot mess.
I spent the night morphined into a coma in the hospital. Have I ever mentioned how much I love morphine? No? Well, I digress but let me just say that in the world of pain meds, Morphine rules. Brian came up the next morning and helped gather me up and take me home.
I made an appointment with a GI surgeon here in Charlotte as everyone told me that since my gallbladder and pancreas were no longer on speaking terms, the gall bladder needed to go. My poor little gall bladder! It seemed like a pretty harsh punishment for one little mistake and I really didn’t want to go through with the whole ordeal.
If you know anything about me at this point, its that I hate doctoring. Am scared to death of doctoring and will at all cost, avoid doctoring, unless I think I’m dying. I felt so good after the stone went away that I couldn’t possibly believe that I REALLY needed to have surgery. I all but talked myself out of this surgery and then one day I had this uncomfortable fluttering feeling between my shoulder blades. A fluttering feeling that I had learned was how it feels when a gallstone moves around in your gall bladder getting into the firing position. I wasn’t about to go through THAT again so the surgery was on.
The surgery to remove one's gall bladder is the most commonly performed surgery in America and according to just about everything I read about it, it is caused by our overwhelmingly rich fattening diet, but what the hell, why change your diet when they can just cut out the offending piece, right? Its not super complicated. They poke a few holes in your abdomen, pump you full of air, go through your belly button, detach the gall bladder from your liver then suck that puppy right on out. The scarring isn't bad at all. If you didn't know better, you would look at my scars and merely think I'd lost a battle with a rose bush.
So I had the surgery. Recovered nicely, and truth be told, am glad I don't have to worry about it anymore. The liver picks up the slack on bile production so all is right back to normal in my digestive track. Yeah team!
I had gone to Chapel Hill to take a real estate class and to see Lisa. Friday night we had a big rich, albeit vegetarian meal, pesto lasagna, mesclun salad with goat cheese and balsamic vinaigrette, garlic bread, and the oh so decadent, chocolate hazelnut soup for dessert. We washed it all down with a couple of nice bottles of red wine and just had a superbly fun night.
The next day at the lunch break between the two sessions of class, my youngest daughter and her then boyfriend came and had lunch with me. It was fun and all seemed right with the world.
About an hour after lunch, I started having stomach pains. At first I just thought it was really bad gas. As the day progressed the pain grew more intense. Food poisoning? All I knew is that I wasn’t feeling great and it was getting worse. Much worse as it turned out.
By mid afternoon, I knew something was really wrong and I left the class and drove to a nearby Doc in the Box. By the time, I got there, the pain was so intense I could barely walk and I was bouncing off the examination table, my body was shaking so hard. My blood pressure was through the roof but the EKG was normal. X-Ray also showed no abnormality. They gave me some sort of digestive cocktail to ease the pain and it helped. The best guess, at the time, was that it was some sort of spasm of my esophagus. I felt better. Not great but good enough to leave and go to Lisa’s house.
Probably should have gone to the ER instead which is ultimately where I ended up. The real diagnosis was a gall stone attack that triggered acute pancreatitis. How many ways can you say ouch?
So here’s the deal on your gallbladder because I know you’re just dying to know. The gall bladder is the main producer of bile, which your body uses to digest food. It gets used to the amount you normally need and makes and stores it in readiness for when it’s actually needed. Now, when you change your eating habits, cut down on your food etc, which I had done, the gall bladder doesn’t have to send out as much bile and the no longer needed reserves start to calcify. THEN, you go to Chapel Hill, have a huge rich meal and need all that stored up bile, your gallbladder hops to it, unfortunately all that calcified bile is now like B’B’s that your gallbladder is shooting at your pancreas.
The Pancreas, as any medical professional, is an unreasonable bitch. Once you make her mad, she responds to no amount of cajoling to calm back down and she really, really hates having B’B’s fired at her. So, my pancreas went into a full blown snit when one of these little gallstone B'B's had the unmitigated nerve to invade her space on it’s way to my intestines. It was, in modern parlance, a hot mess.
I spent the night morphined into a coma in the hospital. Have I ever mentioned how much I love morphine? No? Well, I digress but let me just say that in the world of pain meds, Morphine rules. Brian came up the next morning and helped gather me up and take me home.
I made an appointment with a GI surgeon here in Charlotte as everyone told me that since my gallbladder and pancreas were no longer on speaking terms, the gall bladder needed to go. My poor little gall bladder! It seemed like a pretty harsh punishment for one little mistake and I really didn’t want to go through with the whole ordeal.
If you know anything about me at this point, its that I hate doctoring. Am scared to death of doctoring and will at all cost, avoid doctoring, unless I think I’m dying. I felt so good after the stone went away that I couldn’t possibly believe that I REALLY needed to have surgery. I all but talked myself out of this surgery and then one day I had this uncomfortable fluttering feeling between my shoulder blades. A fluttering feeling that I had learned was how it feels when a gallstone moves around in your gall bladder getting into the firing position. I wasn’t about to go through THAT again so the surgery was on.
The surgery to remove one's gall bladder is the most commonly performed surgery in America and according to just about everything I read about it, it is caused by our overwhelmingly rich fattening diet, but what the hell, why change your diet when they can just cut out the offending piece, right? Its not super complicated. They poke a few holes in your abdomen, pump you full of air, go through your belly button, detach the gall bladder from your liver then suck that puppy right on out. The scarring isn't bad at all. If you didn't know better, you would look at my scars and merely think I'd lost a battle with a rose bush.
So I had the surgery. Recovered nicely, and truth be told, am glad I don't have to worry about it anymore. The liver picks up the slack on bile production so all is right back to normal in my digestive track. Yeah team!
Saturday, July 3, 2010
The Back Story. Chapter 8
It didn’t take a rocket scientist to discern that the best I felt and looked as an adult was during the Golden Years 1994 -1998. It also didn't really take much intuitive power to understand that the differences between the me then and the me fall 2009, were twofold. (Well, three if you count the difference of being late thirties vs. early 50’s but nothing to be done about that one, so I’m ignoring it.) In the golden years, I was exercising and I was a vegetarian. Mystery solved. I knew what my starting points were. They had worked before and I hoped they would work again but the main thing was that I was doing SOMETHING, ANYTHING to effect a change.
I am a great believer that the forces of the universe reward activity and punish inertia. This was a point that the last ten years had drawn fairly sharply and it felt good to be moving.
I joined the Harris YMCA and made a commitment with my eldest niece to run a 5k in December to celebrate her twenty sixth birthday, honor the one year mark of my Dad’s death and celebrate his life. I was really worried that it was a big step and that I would come up short on my training. I hadn’t really run a step in 10 years and to go from zero to 3.1 miles, at 50, in a little over two months seemed like a pretty big hill.
I took it slow and fast all at the same time. I threw myself into a three day a week running program which is pretty fast off the starting blocks but I listened to my body and when it said I was doing too much too fast (hello, shin splints), I eased up.
I was surprised how fast the mileage came back with no injuries! It felt great.
I also switched back to being a vegetarian. This was an easy thing to do. With both girls off at college, I just cooked for me and supplemented meat for my husband.
Charlotte has a wonderful farmer’s market that is open year round. The produce is abundant and cheap and it was great fun experimenting with all sorts of new and rediscovered recipes. I fell in love with soups and dinner many nights was soup and a really big salad with all sorts of wonderful things in it.
Like the first time, I kept the eggs and dairy products in my diet, but I tried to keep it under control volume wise and fat content wise. Brian and I both, really enjoyed the new way of eating and the results were impressive as well. By my birthday in November, I was down a few pounds and I felt like a different person. There were and continue to be moments where a wave of happiness would just wash over me. It’s a feeling like nothing I have ever experienced before in my life.
I’m a great believer that when you are walking the life path that you are supposed to be on, things just feel better, go smoother, fit tighter. I truly felt that I was making choices that were putting me on that path.
In December, Becky and I ran the 5k as promised and I finished 4th in my age bracket. So exciting! Becky finished too with a personal best time and it was a great moment to share with her and the rest of the family.
By February I was down fifteen pounds and felt better than I had felt in years, maybe even better than I’d ever felt. It was a revelation.
I am a great believer that the forces of the universe reward activity and punish inertia. This was a point that the last ten years had drawn fairly sharply and it felt good to be moving.
I joined the Harris YMCA and made a commitment with my eldest niece to run a 5k in December to celebrate her twenty sixth birthday, honor the one year mark of my Dad’s death and celebrate his life. I was really worried that it was a big step and that I would come up short on my training. I hadn’t really run a step in 10 years and to go from zero to 3.1 miles, at 50, in a little over two months seemed like a pretty big hill.
I took it slow and fast all at the same time. I threw myself into a three day a week running program which is pretty fast off the starting blocks but I listened to my body and when it said I was doing too much too fast (hello, shin splints), I eased up.
I was surprised how fast the mileage came back with no injuries! It felt great.
I also switched back to being a vegetarian. This was an easy thing to do. With both girls off at college, I just cooked for me and supplemented meat for my husband.
Charlotte has a wonderful farmer’s market that is open year round. The produce is abundant and cheap and it was great fun experimenting with all sorts of new and rediscovered recipes. I fell in love with soups and dinner many nights was soup and a really big salad with all sorts of wonderful things in it.
Like the first time, I kept the eggs and dairy products in my diet, but I tried to keep it under control volume wise and fat content wise. Brian and I both, really enjoyed the new way of eating and the results were impressive as well. By my birthday in November, I was down a few pounds and I felt like a different person. There were and continue to be moments where a wave of happiness would just wash over me. It’s a feeling like nothing I have ever experienced before in my life.
I’m a great believer that when you are walking the life path that you are supposed to be on, things just feel better, go smoother, fit tighter. I truly felt that I was making choices that were putting me on that path.
In December, Becky and I ran the 5k as promised and I finished 4th in my age bracket. So exciting! Becky finished too with a personal best time and it was a great moment to share with her and the rest of the family.
By February I was down fifteen pounds and felt better than I had felt in years, maybe even better than I’d ever felt. It was a revelation.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
The Back Story. Chapter 7
Emotionally, at the beginning of 2009, I was on auto pilot with nothing left to give anyone. The real estate market collapsed. We were moving to Charlotte. Our house didn't sell. And didn't sell. And didn't sell. We were going to have two children in college. The money was running out, rapidly. The fear was suffocating as I felt us swirling down the drain.
I was drinking half a bottle of wine a night - the big bottle - to get my jaw to unclench. I wasn't sleeping. I was eating everything that wasn't nailed down. I wandered through my day like a zombie. I have no idea how much I weighed because I quit weighing at 157 but I know I was heavier because things that were only tourniquet tight at 157 became "gonna cause gangrene" tight.
Brian found a new job which was a blessing. It was in Charlotte and he was commuting. It was hard on him. Hard on me. I know now how worried my family was about me at the time. It was more than a little obvious that I was hanging on by my fingernails. Both of our kids have since told me they thought I was losing my mind because I couldn't remember anything and I was acting like a crazy person. When does it stop being an act and start being the truth? I was crazy. Nutty. Loony. Bonkers.
That summer I found a big nasty tick on me and in a dead panic terrified I would get Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, went to the doctor to get the antibiotics. My blood pressure was 175/120. I didn't even let them check my blood sugar. And stepping on the scale was also not going to happen. It had been so long since I had been to the doctor that I had to fill out one of those "are you experiencing the following" forms. I had checks by sleeplessness, anxiety, depression, diabetes, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, misery and mayhem. The doctor said to me that I had a bunch of serious things checked and wanted to know what was going on in my life. When I told her, her exact words were, "Holy Shit". Holy shit, indeed.
This doctor was great though. She asked me if I was seeing someone (like mental health). No. Did I want to take something? No. I told her if I was still feeling all these things in six months that I'd be back, but I needed to feel it authentically so I knew I was making right decisions not decisions brought on by a happy pill. She agreed. I left, antibiotics in had.
August 2009. The house finally sold. Yes, we lost our shirts but we had shirts to lose and we were lucky. We got out without going into foreclosure or bankruptcy. It was a blessing.
September 2009. I finally arrived in Charlotte. Bruised. Battered. Completely on zero. Its a cliche, but it really is true, when you are at zero you have no place to go but up.
When I took my youngest daughter to college that fall, I spent the entire day after dropping her off, driving up the Blue Ridge Parkway. There was no traffic. With the windows down, I drove so slowly I could hear the birds singing. It was peaceful and tranquil in a way that helped start the heeling of the wounds on my heart and soul. The mountains have always been restorative to me and I have never needed their quiet grace as I did at that moment in my life.
I was finally able to get to a place where I could begin to deal with the grief of my Dad's death - there had been too much going on. Also, I had been so close to the edge that I was afraid if I let go the flood gates of my sadness, the ensuing tide would have swept me away. I cried. I prayed and in answer to my prayers, I know I was asked, "Are you sick enough of it yet?" The answer was a resounding yes.
I told someone a long time ago that the God I believe in will let you run far and long but when he wants your attention, he'll break your knees, if he must, to get you to bow down before him and listen. I was on my knees. I knew I had to change. I knew I had to stop hiding and running away from the truths in my life. I was finally stripped, naked and in front of the mirror. I was ready to listen.
And a funny thing happened. I began to feel better. From nowhere, these almost electric bursts of energy would charge my whole body, pushing me up. Pushing me forward. It was a new day. A new era and the soul-searching began in earnest. I really felt like the cupboard of my soul was opened up and fresh clean air blew threw it. It was wonderful.
Now, as an aside, I'm not a particularly religious person, although I'm deeply faithful. I have an abiding belief in God and the power of prayer but I'm not a Praise-Be-Radar-For-God-Type. I have no problems with people who do wear their faith that obviously. Its just not me. My faith is mine. Yours is yours and that's the way it should be. Nor am I about to start saying that God cast the donut out of me. I'm not testifying and that's not what this story is about. I just finally had no choice but to accept the fact that the sum total of my life for the better part of ten years had been a slow case of knee-breaking that I had ignored. 2008 got my attention.
I also got mad. Really mad. Not at God at myself.
My Dad was diagnosed with Parkinson's in 1978. For thirty years, he and my Mom waged a relentless battle to live and have some quality of life in the face of a disease against which, they stood no chance. His struggle was a gruesome wearing away of the man and finally culminated in complete disability and Alzheimer's. And STILL, Daddy persisted. He never gave up. I, on the other hand, threw in the towel without so much as firing a shot.
I thought about all my missing friends. How they would never have another day to get it right or wrong. To love. To hate. To fight and make up. To try. To fail. To succeed. I thought about all the days I had wasted and squandered and it made me feel ashamed.
I knew that I had to reorient myself. To rise up out of the ashes. To honor my Father and value the lives of every one I had lost. To reclaim my husband, my kids, my life as a fully engaged human being. The only question, was where to start.
I was drinking half a bottle of wine a night - the big bottle - to get my jaw to unclench. I wasn't sleeping. I was eating everything that wasn't nailed down. I wandered through my day like a zombie. I have no idea how much I weighed because I quit weighing at 157 but I know I was heavier because things that were only tourniquet tight at 157 became "gonna cause gangrene" tight.
Brian found a new job which was a blessing. It was in Charlotte and he was commuting. It was hard on him. Hard on me. I know now how worried my family was about me at the time. It was more than a little obvious that I was hanging on by my fingernails. Both of our kids have since told me they thought I was losing my mind because I couldn't remember anything and I was acting like a crazy person. When does it stop being an act and start being the truth? I was crazy. Nutty. Loony. Bonkers.
That summer I found a big nasty tick on me and in a dead panic terrified I would get Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, went to the doctor to get the antibiotics. My blood pressure was 175/120. I didn't even let them check my blood sugar. And stepping on the scale was also not going to happen. It had been so long since I had been to the doctor that I had to fill out one of those "are you experiencing the following" forms. I had checks by sleeplessness, anxiety, depression, diabetes, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, misery and mayhem. The doctor said to me that I had a bunch of serious things checked and wanted to know what was going on in my life. When I told her, her exact words were, "Holy Shit". Holy shit, indeed.
This doctor was great though. She asked me if I was seeing someone (like mental health). No. Did I want to take something? No. I told her if I was still feeling all these things in six months that I'd be back, but I needed to feel it authentically so I knew I was making right decisions not decisions brought on by a happy pill. She agreed. I left, antibiotics in had.
August 2009. The house finally sold. Yes, we lost our shirts but we had shirts to lose and we were lucky. We got out without going into foreclosure or bankruptcy. It was a blessing.
September 2009. I finally arrived in Charlotte. Bruised. Battered. Completely on zero. Its a cliche, but it really is true, when you are at zero you have no place to go but up.
When I took my youngest daughter to college that fall, I spent the entire day after dropping her off, driving up the Blue Ridge Parkway. There was no traffic. With the windows down, I drove so slowly I could hear the birds singing. It was peaceful and tranquil in a way that helped start the heeling of the wounds on my heart and soul. The mountains have always been restorative to me and I have never needed their quiet grace as I did at that moment in my life.
I was finally able to get to a place where I could begin to deal with the grief of my Dad's death - there had been too much going on. Also, I had been so close to the edge that I was afraid if I let go the flood gates of my sadness, the ensuing tide would have swept me away. I cried. I prayed and in answer to my prayers, I know I was asked, "Are you sick enough of it yet?" The answer was a resounding yes.
I told someone a long time ago that the God I believe in will let you run far and long but when he wants your attention, he'll break your knees, if he must, to get you to bow down before him and listen. I was on my knees. I knew I had to change. I knew I had to stop hiding and running away from the truths in my life. I was finally stripped, naked and in front of the mirror. I was ready to listen.
And a funny thing happened. I began to feel better. From nowhere, these almost electric bursts of energy would charge my whole body, pushing me up. Pushing me forward. It was a new day. A new era and the soul-searching began in earnest. I really felt like the cupboard of my soul was opened up and fresh clean air blew threw it. It was wonderful.
Now, as an aside, I'm not a particularly religious person, although I'm deeply faithful. I have an abiding belief in God and the power of prayer but I'm not a Praise-Be-Radar-For-God-Type. I have no problems with people who do wear their faith that obviously. Its just not me. My faith is mine. Yours is yours and that's the way it should be. Nor am I about to start saying that God cast the donut out of me. I'm not testifying and that's not what this story is about. I just finally had no choice but to accept the fact that the sum total of my life for the better part of ten years had been a slow case of knee-breaking that I had ignored. 2008 got my attention.
I also got mad. Really mad. Not at God at myself.
My Dad was diagnosed with Parkinson's in 1978. For thirty years, he and my Mom waged a relentless battle to live and have some quality of life in the face of a disease against which, they stood no chance. His struggle was a gruesome wearing away of the man and finally culminated in complete disability and Alzheimer's. And STILL, Daddy persisted. He never gave up. I, on the other hand, threw in the towel without so much as firing a shot.
I thought about all my missing friends. How they would never have another day to get it right or wrong. To love. To hate. To fight and make up. To try. To fail. To succeed. I thought about all the days I had wasted and squandered and it made me feel ashamed.
I knew that I had to reorient myself. To rise up out of the ashes. To honor my Father and value the lives of every one I had lost. To reclaim my husband, my kids, my life as a fully engaged human being. The only question, was where to start.
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